Motherhood is not for the faint of heart…

It was 5:30 am on Monday August 17th. I had been having trouble sleeping for several days and I had a hunch, so I got up and took a test. I waited the 3 minutes while the lines flashed…pregnant! The excitement rushed over me like a wave, and of course, there was no going back to sleep. The rest of my morning went on as usual. The kids were all up by 6:45 and our morning routine was underway. Once I got them off to school I came up with a plan to tell Clark and the kids. It happened to be Ford’s 4th birthday, so I decided I was going to wrap the test into a pair of shoes I had purchased for Ford to open that afternoon. When the kids got home from school, Ford spotted his gifts on the fireplace and could not wait to open them. With his dad and I sitting near, he opened his shoes and had no idea what the test was. What I had envisioned in my mind as an adorable way to incorporate the kids in this pregnancy reveal did not quite turn out. Nonetheless, Clark knew, and we explained what the test meant to the kids.

Over the next several weeks I had a few blood tests, was put on Progesterone, and was scheduled for a meeting with an amazing Midwife and an ultrasound to be done at 8 weeks. I am hypothyroid and Clark and I have suffered through 2 miscarriages prior to Everly. I am considered high risk, and with my age now, even more so. I have never suffered very severe pregnancy symptoms with any of the kids so I was feeling pretty good. I went in for another blood test on Tuesday September 8th. The blood work was supposed to be run stat, but because of the strain Covid testing had been putting on the labs, it would be several days before I would receive my results. We went on our week as normal with school and all the activities. That following Saturday, I finally received word from my midwife regarding my blood work. My HCG levels had not risen as they should have and she asked me to try to get in for an ultrasound that day. Fortunately, Luna Ultrasound was absolutely amazing and they fit me in for their last spot of the day and I was to be there at 5 PM. All 5 of us were at my husbands job site and our realtor was arriving to show the house. In the midst of the tears I had to meet a man I had never met before. To say Saturday was a lot, is an understatement. We headed to the ultrasound place and I proceeded to go in for my appointment while Clark waited in the car with the kids. The tech, checked everything out on the screen and explained that she did not see anything at all in my uterus and she believed that my body must have absorbed it. At this point I had already cried for a couple of hours so I was surprisingly calm. I was able to come out and give Clark the news and we decided we would tell the kids a little later. Thankfully, God created children to be incredibly resilient and explaining what was happening to mommy’s body and their potential brother or sister was uneventful. My midwife then told me to immediately stop taking the progesterone and informed me that my body would most likely start its normal cycle within the next few weeks. The rest of the weekend went on without a hitch, other than the occasional sadness that resulted in tears for this mama.

Monday September 14th is a day that is engrained in my memory that will never dull or fade. Again it began as most of my Mondays do, up with the sun to get the kids breakfast and dressed with lunches and backpacks packed and off to school. I started having some minor spotting and cramping that morning. I remember thinking that was a good thing because that meant my cycle was coming back. I went on with my morning, went to my pure barre class after I had dropped the kids off, then I was prepared for a busy afternoon as our Mondays are full of dance. After I pick the kids up we race to the studio where we spend 3 hours between both girls for their dance classes. By about 1 or 2 pm my cramping had become more intense than a normal period for me. I took a mental note and I proceeded to pick the kids up from school. As I was walking from one kids room to the other I could feel that this is not a normal period. I said hi and exchanged pleasantries with all the moms and dads I normally see in the afternoons. I have all of 10 minutes at home before we had to get out the door and on our way to dance. I got home and went straight to the bathroom to clean myself up. That’s when I discovered that my body had not absorbed our baby and I had actually delivered a sack with a very tiny fetus in it. I was shook. I was not expecting anything outside of a slightly heavier period. I was not expecting to see our baby!! Honestly, I had no time to process what was happening before I had to rush out the door so we weren’t late. I called Clark on our way to let him know what had transpired and he was so shocked he had a difficult time forming words at first. Once, he wrapped his head around it all, he was so incredibly supportive which then made me cry. As soon as we got to the studio the cramping was gone and I was physically feeling much better. I took the next several hours, which turned into days, to process everything that had happened.

With all of my pregnancies, the moment I find out I am pregnant, I want to know what’s going on inside my body and what my baby looks like, week-by-week. This has always been comforting to me. To know exactly what a fetus is supposed to look like at the stage of pregnancy I was in, was both a blessing and a curse for me. It is a miracle to be able to conceive a child and carry them to full term. Even at only 7 weeks, our babies are starting to form. We will most likely never know what went wrong with this pregnancy, or the other two that I lost. Pastor Hayes at our church reminded Clark and I that we will get to hold these precious babies of ours some day and that gives me great comfort!! This experience has taught me a lot about what we go through in life “behind closed doors”. No one that saw me that afternoon had any idea what was happening. The week that followed was a very difficult week for me. No one had any idea what I was feeling emotionally or physically. When you suffer a loss like this and you have 3 other humans to take care of, you cannot cast them aside. They need what they need and it is our job as their mama to provide for them! So, as much as I wanted to curl up on my bed all day every day and not face the outside world, that was simply not an option for me. Thanks to this experience, I have a greater appreciation for what others might be facing. I am more sensitive to others and I will try to be kinder to those around me, especially those who are having a bad day.

I want us to be able to openly discuss miscarriage without fear. I want us to get to a place where others who have not experienced the pain and sadness of losing a pregnancy or a baby, don’t shy away from supporting those of us who are going through that loss. In those moments we really just need to not feel so alone. We need our friends to show up. Even if we don’t talk about it, we just need to know people are thinking about us and praying for us. I was so fortunate to have the few people who knew I was pregnant show up for me in a big way! We are all different and we will all grieve different. Just about everyone has lost someone they love and we know what that feels like. Be there for those that need the support. To the women who are suffering through a miscarriage, too afraid to share their experience, don’t be. The only way you will get the support you really need to heal is by having those that love you pray for you and check in on you! It helps those experiencing a similar loss feel like they aren’t the only woman in the world going through that pain. Please do not forget the biggest lesson of all, we do not know what someone else is going through that they might be to afraid to share. It is so important to always be kind to those around you!